It’s tough, respect for holding on as you do.
Life’s not fair, not everyone has the mental stability that is required for a happy life. But we can hope to lessen the pain a bit.
Headspace is indeed an app, with a subscription (not sure what the free plan is, but it helped me so I didn’t care). You can also meditate yourself or with free YT videos of course, but this app worked better for me.
Take care, hope you find some relief.
After 25 years of suicidal thoughts I’ve finally taken antidepressants, Zoloft was what worked for me.
In a couple of months the black thoughts became more rare and now in a year or so they are almost gone. I don’t feel the active need to kill myself any longer. Which feels… a bit uncanny almost. Not all in life is good, but this specific lack of despair is nice; still really bizarre to not have this endless dread any longer. I try to enjoy that while it lasts.
I did a lot of meditation as well with Headspace, can recommend that too.
Hope you find your way.
Why mix up all the numbers, but not numbers 9, 5 and 6?