I’m gay. I’m agender, and I like enbies better than men and women.
The other day in an argument I got frustrated with someone and told them to call me a homophobic slur. One part sarcasm, one part hoping they’d actually do it and get in trouble. Instead, I got punished for using the word. I wasn’t expecting that, because I’m gay. If I call myself a f-----, I didn’t think that was anyone else’s problem.
Was I right? Is it okay for me to use that word, talking about myself?
In the scenario given, this is my opinion as well. OP described the situation as one where there is some authority and code of conduct over their behavior there, so that needs to apply to everyone.
Also by OP’s own words, they were specifically trying to antagonize someone to get them in trouble, which would probably be pretty transparent to someone observing the interaction.
In a more general sense, I can see some empowerment of words only you and your group can use, but at the same time, I don’t know how one can say they’re reclaimed if other outside people using them would still be hurtful or inappropriate.
I’m straight and white, but my best friends are gay, and my work buddies are all non-white. I have no desire to use any derogatory word, around them or not, because I’d be pissed if anyone would call them those things, so I still see them as insults.
My gay friends don’t often use those words around me at least, and I don’t think ever in reference to themselves. If they would, that would be their choice, but I’d still not really be thrilled hearing those words used in reference to them. They’re my favorite people in the world, next to my SO and my brother.
With my work friends, one is black and the other Hispanic. They both use the N word around me freely and with no animosity. I am not used to Hispanic people using that word in reference to themselves, and that took some real getting used to. The black coworker has never acted bothered by it, and they’re not one to shy away from expressing displeasure, so I let them do their thing. Again, it wouldn’t be my choice of words for them to refer to themselves, but that’s their call. They know (for the most part) not to talk like that in more public settings though.
So while it’s not really my business, I’d prefer people not to do it, especially if it is in a provoking manner like OP’s situation because I feel it’s not respectful or self-respectful, and especially if I was a boss or someone in authority over the environment, I think a near zero tolerance approach in appropriate, since while you may be cool with it, it’s a leader’s responsibility to make everyone feel accommodated.